When Jill found out she was unexpectedly pregnant for the third time in her twenties, all she felt was fear and shame. She had already gone through two abortions when she was 21 and 24 years old and was unsure if she would be able to go through another abortion at 28. 

“The first abortion, I remember, I was very distraught, but I still did it. And the second abortion that I had, I was so distraught that I almost jumped out of a car on the way to the abortion clinic to commit suicide,” Jill recalls.

Jill had spent her twenties as a hippie partying, drinking and doing drugs in California. But her two abortions led her deeper into a life of despair, depression, anxiety and addiction.

“People think this is the easy choice just to have an abortion, or I’m a woman and I have a right to my body so I can do what I want. What most people don’t realize is the ramifications after the abortion. They think it’s the easy way out at the beginning,” Jill says.

FINDING JESUS & A THIRD UNPLANNED PREGNANCY

Jill in her twenties.

After experiencing the Jesus Movement in San Diego — which was a counterculture revolution that started in the late 1960s prompting swarms of hippies to follow Jesus — Jill accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior and was convicted by the Holy Spirit to move to Chicago and live a life of celibacy and freedom from drug use. She got plugged into the church community, joined a Bible study group and started to build a relationship with the Lord.

But in 1981, Jill got high on cocaine with a man who had told her he had a vasectomy. It wasn’t true, and she ended up having a third unplanned pregnancy.

“Because I was active in my church body, I even felt more inclined to have the abortion than I did before when everybody knew I was having sex and wasn’t a Christian. And so I went ahead and planned yet another abortion,” Jill says.

Three days before her appointment for a third abortion, Jill cried out to God in despair about her situation. She didn’t want to feel the embarrassment, humiliation and shame if she were to go through with her pregnancy. She didn’t want her friends at church to know she had sinned. 

As Jill wept out loud, she saw a vision of Jesus carrying his cross, being mocked and ridiculed, spat on and whipped. Jesus fell to the ground, looked up at Jill and said to her, “Why do you care what man thinks when I suffered more embarrassment, shame and humiliation than anyone in the world and I did it for you?”

That vision stirred Jill to choose life instead of abortion. She canceled her abortion appointment the next day.

“It wrapped my soul that a holy God would stand in my shoes and fill that gap of anyone who would question me as a Christian who got pregnant in a crisis pregnancy,” Jill says.

An adoption counselor walked alongside Jill throughout her pregnancy to give her the support she needed as a single mom. When Jill was four months along, she told her counselor that she couldn’t make up her mind whether to parent her child or place her baby for adoption.

“When you stay in this state of indecisiveness, you’re allowing the enemy to take over your mind. God says make your yes your yes and your no your no,” the counselor advised Jill. “Do not stay in a state of indecisiveness. Go forward with the decision you feel you want to do. And when you are verbally sharing it with others, do you feel the peace of God that surpasses all understanding? Or do you feel fear and anxiety?”

Once Jill decided to parent her child, she found peace and felt joy for the rest of her pregnancy. She dedicated her life to the Lord and got baptized when she was eight months pregnant.

“Just like Elizabeth in the Bible, my baby leaped for joy inside the womb when I got baptized,” Jill recalls.

SINGLE MOM

Jill with her son, Jeremy.

Being a single mom was hard and lonely. Jill felt ostracized by Christians, even when she tried seeking support from her church community.

“I’m not going to say I didn’t go through anxiety, depression and sadness because I did. But the Lord showed me how to go from victim to victory, and He kept reminding me to not worry about what man thought of me,” Jill says.

Even though being a single mom was challenging, Jill doesn’t regret choosing life for her son, Jeremy, who she says was a gift of joy for her. Motherhood became a healing and redemptive journey for Jill since she grew up with a mom who had borderline personality disorder and made her feel unloved and unwanted. 

“Being able to be healed and have deliverance from God when I had my son, I was able to pour words of love into him and continuously telling him how much he was wanted by me,” Jill says.

Jill’s son, Jeremy, is now 42 years old and has three children with his wife. 

LIVING A LIFE OF FREEDOM

Jill with her son, Jeremy.

Having her son motivated Jill to change her life and seek treatment. She stopped using drugs the moment she found out she was pregnant and has been in recovery from crack cocaine and alcohol addiction for 42 years. Jill has also been in Christian therapy for over 40 years, which helped her find healing from the traumas that led to her addictions.

During one of her treatment programs, Jill was encouraged to write grief letters to her aborted babies, whom she named Michael and Shawna. She also planted two trees in her backyard in honor of her babies. Healing from her abortion helped her live a life of freedom.

“I would see those trees growing and growing, and they got big. It was the representation of Michael and Shawna growing up,” Jill says.

While healing, Jill had read a flyer called “Fathers Have Rights Too.” She decided to contact the father of her two aborted babies and asked him if he would have wanted the babies. He said yes and she asked him for forgiveness. 

“I felt so heartbroken because I really felt like I did it because I didn’t think he loved me or cared enough about me to want to have the baby,” Jill says.

Jill founded Brave Heart Workshops in 2017.

Jill’s experience with abortion led her to volunteer for Christian Action Council, which is now known as Care Net. She spent almost two years talking to women who were considering abortion and encouraging them to choose life.

Aside from her pro-life advocacy, Jill has an organization called Brave Heart Workshops where she organizes retreats to help women recover from trauma, sexual abuse and eating disorders. She has a podcast called The Connection Show to inspire hope, health and healing in the world. Jill is also an author in two collaborative books and is a professional speaker. 

Jill’s encouragement to those facing an unplanned pregnancy:

“Don’t ever care what anyone thinks. Follow God because He is the essence of humility. Rely on him because he’s the father of the fatherless child. He will be there to help you get through.”

Written by Loren Ward.