Shantell’s life has consisted of a lot of running — running from her past, running from her present and simply running to escape her wounds.
Shantell was born on a Canadian reservation into a family marked by chaos and dysfunction. Her older sister went through a lot of abuse, which led Shantell’s birth mother to make the difficult decision to place her for adoption.
Shantell with her adoptive parents, Carolyn and Larry.
A loving couple in Iowa welcomed Shantell in as their only child. Despite the care and affection her adoptive parents provided, Shantell could not shake the deep wounds of separation she experienced from her birth mother, leading to an intense fear of abandonment.
“Growing up, I had an irrational and quite intense attachment to my mom. They couldn’t leave me with anyone, and she couldn’t even leave the room. I was very, very attached to my mom,” Shantell recalls.
Teen pregnancy
Shantell with her friends in high school.
Shantell entered into an unhealthy relationship and gave birth to her first child, William, shortly before she turned 20 years old.
“I know exactly what these women feel. I know exactly the lies that the enemy uses to get these women to terminate a pregnancy, like the shame, like oh my gosh this baby’s out of wedlock. You’re just constantly frantically trying to get ahead of the lies,” Shantell explains.
Shantell married William’s father, but the marriage was short-lived. Feeling lost and unworthy, she continued to party and became pregnant again. She seriously considered abortion this time around. Her baby’s father even sent her a $400 check to terminate the pregnancy. But Shantell could not bring herself to go through with the abortion.
“I’m grateful I didn’t. But after that, things bottomed out for me. My parents kicked me out. I couldn’t be a mom,” Shantell says.
Postpartum depression and suicide
Shantell with her sons.
After having her second child, Aiden, Shantell struggled with shame and experienced severe postpartum depression. She could not care for her children, which led her to sign over her children’s guardianship to her parents.
“I couldn’t even hold a job. I slept under bridges. I got in trouble with the law,” Shantell explains. “Suicide was always right there, but I could only ever do that if I got drunk enough.”
Shantell felt immense amounts of guilt for being unable to raise her children. Living on the streets, she fell into a deeper cycle of chaos and abuse from men as she sought out a place to stay. On top of that, her run-ins with the law and failure to comply with probation led her to a court-mandated stay at a halfway house where she met the father of her third child, Emma.
“I will say that I would be dead if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, because at that point, I was just hell-bent on dying,” Shantell says.
From one unhealthy relationship to another
At the time, Shantell was in a relationship with a Native American man and moved in with him on his reservation. Her then-boyfriend was an alcoholic, and she dealt with a lot of toxicity while dating him. Shantell later found herself in a domestic violence shelter.
“I had burned so many bridges that my parents wouldn’t even let me back in. I could see the boys, but they were never going to let me move back in,” Shantell says.
Overwhelmed while navigating her third pregnancy, Shantell faced suicidal thoughts.
“The only thing I prayed those days was like, I can’t kill myself because I have a baby. So like, God, I need you to just take my life. And then I just remember being like, well, maybe I could try to give her up for adoption,” Shantell recalls.
Choosing adoption for Emma
Shantell and her adoption case worker, Hillary.
Flipping through the yellow pages, Shantell came across an adoption agency who offered to fly her to Utah so they could care for her during the remainder of her pregnancy.
“At that point, I just had bags of clothes. That was it. I I had nothing to my name,” Shantell says.
While in Utah, Shantell worked as a waitress while staying in an apartment the agency had arranged for her. She also built a strong bond with her case worker, Hillary, who helped uplift her during her crisis pregnancy.
Shantell wrestled with her decision to place Emma for adoption, but she ultimately knew it was the best choice for her daughter.
“I’m like, what am I going to do with her? I can’t even take care of myself, and I don’t even have my boys. I can’t take care of my own kids. So in my mind, it wasn’t a question. It was just, I have to do this. There’s no other way she’s going to survive,” Shantell says.
Shantell holding her daughter, Emma, at the hospital.
Shantell recalls her time in the hospital as a beautiful but difficult experience, having spent only three days with her daughter. The following days after losing Emma were incredibly hard for her.
“I remember crying, thinking, how do people live through this? I just kept thinking, how can it hurt this much? Like, in your chest,” Shantell says.
Shantell with her peers at Teen Challenge.
Soon after, Shantell moved back home with her parents but quickly fell into her old habits. She ended up back on the streets. But this time, she entered into a program called Teen Challenge, a Christian rehabilitation service to help people struggling with a variety of issues.
“Within a year, Teen Challenge saved my life, but I didn’t get the full surrender. I didn’t understand obedience,” Shantell says.
Teen Challenge is where Shantell met her ex-husband, whom she had two children with — Gabriel and Nita. During this time, she found herself contemplating suicide.
Shantell also doesn’t have communication with Emma, which is her biggest regret. She chose not to pursue a relationship with Emma because she wanted to honor Emma’s adoptive mother. Shantell does not sugarcoat the fact that choosing adoption for her daughter was so hard.
“I just cried for like a year straight, but God has restored a lot,” Shantell says.
Shantell’s healing
Shantell was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She was told she would never be a functioning person in society. But rather than going on medications, Shantell revisited Teen Challenge, which changed her life forever.
“God wrecked everything in my life and rebuilt it. So then I came home. I haven’t been on any meds. I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety. He healed all those wounds. He healed the wounds of adoption, even all the way back into the womb. I came back home whole and healthy and brought the Holy Spirit with me,” Shantell says.
Shantell’s healing resulted in reconciliation with her family.
“We’re kind of a family that’s been forged through fire, but we are grateful for every step, every fire and wilderness that we have walked. God has always shown up,” Shantell says. “I know in my heart that Jesus is the only way. I’ve seen Him do too much to not give Him credit because there’s no way that my family would be doing this good. There is never a situation where there is not any hope.”
Shantell’s encouragement to women facing an unplanned pregnancy:
“I think every woman knows at some point, when they’re considering it [abortion], that it is a baby. I know that. I know that to my core, but the enemy does not let them go there … They are a lot stronger than they think they are, and they are worth more than they could imagine. You are cherished and you’re forgiven. This is just a period of time. It’s not gonna last forever.”
Written by Amariah.
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