End the Stigma is a series that tackles issues related to unplanned pregnancies. Our founder, Loren Ward, draws from her unplanned pregnancy experience in college to change the attitudes and conversations around this topic.
Shame.
That’s what I felt when I found out I was pregnant during my last semester in college. It’s the same feeling my mom felt when she became pregnant at 19 years old, and it’s the exact feeling almost everyone experiences when they face unplanned pregnancies.
Shame destroyed my perception of myself. It ruined my self-confidence. It isolated me when I grappled with my unplanned pregnancy. I was ashamed of the choices I made. It was one of the main contributing factors that made me consider abortion as a possible option. I thought that abortion could “solve a problem” I was ashamed of.
Looking back, I can see where all of that shame stemmed from. There is so much stigma around unplanned pregnancies, and when something is stigmatized, there’s an ick factor associated with it. Therefore, when men and women experience something that society has stigmatized, they end up feeling ashamed.
And shame is toxic — it provokes us to act irrationally. Shame blinds us, preventing us from seeing beyond our present circumstances.
Stigma and shame go hand in hand. I believe it is shame that perpetuates stigma around unplanned pregnancies, and the best way to combat this stigma is by changing the narrative around this topic.
So what does it look like to change the narrative around unplanned pregnancies?
- ‘Unplanned pregnancies are just that — unplanned’
- It’s a detour, not a disruption
- Unplanned babies are not a burden
- It’s not a hindrance to success; it’s a hindrance to self-gain
- Final thoughts
‘Unplanned pregnancies are just that — unplanned’
One of the friends I’ve written about shared a profound statement during our interview. She said, “Unplanned pregnancies are just that — unplanned.” I thought that was so beautiful because we often perceive unplanned pregnancies as an eternal doom, but in reality, it’s only a temporary season.
When I told my family and friends about my pregnancy, some of them expressed their concerns about how a baby would impact my future. What about your career? Will you graduate on time?
I appreciated their concerns, but those questions often have a negative tone. My pregnancy was unplanned, but it was not the end of the world. I can definitely say that it wasn’t the end of my life, or my husband’s life. That pregnancy brought us closer together as a couple, which eventually led us to getting married much sooner than we had expected. We both graduated on time. My husband landed a great engineering job, and my storytelling career is growing. Most importantly, my husband and I grew closer to the Lord. I get to wake up every day to a Christ-centered marriage that has made my life more amazing.
It’s a detour, not a disruption
I am so grateful I chose life during that unplanned pregnancy because it led me to the path God has set apart for me. Before my pregnancy, I was planning to serve as a Peace Corps volunteer for two years. Now I get to use my background in journalism to pursue a meaningful and fulfilling ministry in the pro-life movement. My plans weren’t God’s plans. He had something much better for me, and that unplanned pregnancy propelled me to surrender to His will.
Reflecting on that, I don’t believe that unplanned pregnancies are a disruption. They’re simply detours in life. Disruption has a negative connotation to it, and using this word can elicit negative emotions. On the other hand, the word detour elicits more positive emotions. Using the word detour portrays unplanned pregnancies as simply “going off the path,” taking a longer route to your desired destination, or changing your course altogether.
This is something that my sources have mentioned during interviews. Their unplanned pregnancies were detours that ultimately transformed their lives for the better. In one of the stories I wrote, the mom ended up finding her purpose in life during her unplanned pregnancy. She is now a pre-med student and wants to work with moms and their babies in the future.
Unplanned babies are not a burden
One of the biggest lies men and women have grasped and believed in is the idea that unplanned babies are a burden. As a Christian, I do not accept this belief. The Bible clearly says that “children are a heritage from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Scripture describes children as a gift from God, a reward. That is how highly God sees children. They have so much worth in His eyes. And the Bible does not discriminate between planned or unplanned children. Both are a gift.
I sometimes get teary-eyed thinking about my unplanned pregnancy. Of all the women in the world, I got to be THE mom to my little Rose. I got to have her in my tummy, even for a short while. I was chosen to be her mom. How beautiful is that?
If you’re not a Christian, then I would encourage you to research the story of Steve Jobs. His mom had an unplanned pregnancy during graduate school. She chose life through adoption. Unless you’ve lived in a rock your entire life, then you know that Steve Jobs founded Apple. His mind greatly influenced our society and brought about the technology we get to hold in our hands. If Steve Jobs had been aborted, we wouldn’t have Apple. Our society would look completely different.
One of the women I’ve interviewed said, “What if your child could be a world changer? What if they could change one life? Isn’t it worth it? And that’s really what I would say to anyone who’s on the fence at all about choosing life.”
Every life in the womb has so much potential. We don’t know how that child will impact the world. There have been at least 63.5 million babies killed in the womb since 1973 (Roe v. Wade). That’s 63.5 million babies who could have been CEOs, scientists, politicians, activists, artists, innovators, engineers, doctors, soldiers, etc. Our world lost so much potential and progress when those 63.5 million babies were killed through abortion.
It’s not a hindrance to success; it’s a hindrance to self-gain
When my mom became pregnant at 19, she made a lot of sacrifices to raise me. It wasn’t easy being a mom while in college. Thankfully, with the help of those around her, she was able to graduate as magna cum laude with her A.A. degree in computer science. She then made the difficult choice to move from the Philippines to Korea. She worked as a waitress abroad and sent her hard-earned money home so her family could take care of me.
Motherhood isn’t easy. It requires a lot of sacrifice, but it is not a hindrance to success. It’s a hindrance to self-gain. Our culture, especially in America, has saturated individuals with the “it’s all about me” attitude. We are so self-centered and selfish that we treat unplanned babies like they’re a burden and an inconvenience. Society has made abortion the convenient option because people don’t want to sacrifice. When you choose to keep a baby, you ultimately set aside your wants to prioritize your child.
This selfless mindset clashes against society’s proclamations of “me, me, me.” I have heard several friends talk about how they would choose abortion if they found themselves in an unplanned pregnancy because it would disrupt their career or educational endeavors. They don’t want to take care of a child.
They feel like it’s the end of their life and won’t even consider adoption. So instead of enduring through nine months so a little human being could live, many women and men choose abortion. They either live in denial, or later accept the truth of their actions and work toward recovering from the grief and abortion trauma.
It baffles me that we cannot apply the same feminist attitudes our society preaches when it comes to unplanned pregnancies. Society loves to tell women how strong they are, that they’re capable of anything they set their minds to. But the moment a woman finds herself in an unplanned pregnancy, society will discourage her. They tell her that she’s weak, that she’s not ready for motherhood, that she’s not capable of being successful while choosing life. Many modern feminists can’t even see the hypocrisy of their preachings.
The truth is men and women are strong enough to choose life. Both men and women are more than capable of being successful while having a baby. The journey won’t be easy and they might have to take many detours along the way, but they can do it. One of the women I interviewed didn’t give up when she found herself pregnant at 17 years old. She graduated as a full-ride scholar from college, became a nurse, and now works as a health executive. She and so many other women prove that it is possible to be successful while being a mom.
Final thoughts
If you know of someone facing an unplanned pregnancy, encourage them. Change the narrative by saying that:
- Unplanned pregnancies are just that — unplanned.
- Unplanned pregnancies are not a disruption; they’re detours.
- Unplanned babies are not a burden.
- Unplanned pregnancies aren’t a hindrance to success; they’re a hindrance to self-gain. Men and women are strong enough to choose life and still be successful.
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